How to Make Friends and Then Kill Them by Halley Feiffer

Author:Halley Feiffer
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub
Tags: DRA000000
ISBN: 9781468316575
Publisher: The Overlook Press
Published: 2018-03-13T04:30:00+00:00

SCENE 9

The voices of three girls scream: “YOUNG ADULTHOOD!!!”

We hear the sounds of hands slapping against each other.

Lights creep up on DORRIE and SAM, in a dungeon-like dorm room.

They play a hand game—very intensely, and very rapidly.

They play it as if their lives depended on it.

They play it for a long, long time.

After several rounds, DORRIE messes up, and the game falls apart.

SAM

You messed up, that was six.

DORRIE

I’m sorry, I thought it was five.

SAM

Yeah, I could see you did.

Beat.

DORRIE

Do you want to play again …?

SAM

No. I don’t.

Beat.

SAM

There’s nothing to do in this stupid, stinking dorm.

DORRIE

I know.

SAM

You’re just saying that ’cause I said it.

DORRIE

Yeah.

Beat. Then—DORRIE gets an idea.

DORRIE

Let’s talk about boys???

SAM

(Reluctantly.)

Okay.

DORRIE

Who do you like?!?

SAM

No one.

DORRIE

Me neither.

SAM

There aren’t any cute ones.

DORRIE

No.

SAM

And even if they are. …

DORRIE

Right.

SAM

None of them like me.

DORRIE

Right.

SAM

(Suddenly defensive.)

What do you mean?!

DORRIE

Um.

SAM

You think they don’t like me???

DORRIE

No, I bet they do.

SAM

I don’t care.

Beat.

DORRIE

I like you.

SAM

I don’t care.

Beat.

Then—DORRIE gets an idea.

DORRIE

Should we paint our nails, or do something girly like that???

SAM

Yeah.

(Gets a really good idea.)

Except let’s paint our bodies!

DORRIE

(Confused.)

Okay. …

SAM

(Really excited.)

Let’s paint them so it looks like we’re bleeding, and then go out into the hall and scare everyone!!!

DORRIE

(Really apprehensive.)

That’s scary. …

SAM

Yeah, that’s the point.

DORRIE

Sorry.

SAM

I have red nail polish—that’s the only thing I have that could look like blood.

DORRIE

(Incredibly nervous.)

Okay. …

SAM

Okay! Let me find it.

She finds it.

Okay I found it.

(Almost giddy with excitement.)

I’m gonna do you first.

DORRIE

Okay.

SAM

I’m gonna do, just like, a nosebleed, to start. …

DORRIE

Right.

SAM

Actually I’m gonna do a nose-gush.

DORRIE

Huh.

SAM

I’m gonna make it look like your whole brain’s coming out of your nose!!!

DORRIE

(Tiny, terrified voice.)

… aaaaahhhh …!

SAM

Hold still.

SAM paints on DORRIE’s nose with the nail polish. She paints a lot of red nail polish under DORRIE’s nose and some kind of on her cheeks and on her chin.

DORRIE

Oh, wow. …

SAM

What?

DORRIE

It smells.

SAM

Well, you know nail polish smells.

DORRIE

I know. I’ve just never had it …

(Beat; considers …)

So close to my nose … before. …

SAM

(Nodding compassionately.)

I know what you mean.

(She finishes.)

There, all done.

SAM puts the nail polish away.

DORRIE

How does it look.

SAM

It looks so fucked up. It looks great.

DORRIE

(Hugely anxious.)

Yaaaay. …

SAM

Now go out into the hall and ask for help.

DORRIE

Okay. …

SAM

Go!!!

DORRIE

What do I say???

SAM

“Help! Help!!!”

DORRIE

(Beyond petrified.)

Okay. …

DORRIE goes out into the hall, offstage.

DORRIE

(Offstage; kind of lamely.)

Help. … Help!

A beat.

DORRIE waits. Then—

She peeks her head back in—looks at SAM like, “Well, I tried.”

SAM silently gestures to her that she needs to amp up the intensity with the “Help”s.

DORRIE goes back out in the hall.

DORRIE

(More desperate.)

Help!

(Beat.)

Help!!!

(Beat; really desperately.)

Help!!! HELP!!! HEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!

(Insanely distressed.)

HEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!! HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HEEEELLLLllllllllllllllllllllllllllLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!! OHMYGOD I’M DYING PLEASE HELP MEEEEEEE HELLP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beat. Then—

DORRIE comes back in the room.

DORRIE

(In despair.)

No one helped me.

SAM

(Also in despair.)

I know.

SAM curls up on the floor. DORRIE looks at SAM.

A beat. Then—

DORRIE

Sam?

SAM

What.

DORRIE

Do you have any nail polish remover …?

SAM

(Eyes closed.)

No.

DORRIE tries to peel the nail polish off her face.

DORRIE

Maybe I can peel it off.

Beat.

DORRIE

Sam?

SAM

What.

DORRIE

I’m so bored.

Beat.

DORRIE continues to try to peel the nail polish off her face.

DORRIE

Sam?

SAM

What.

DORRIE

What do you think … Ada’s doing? Right now??

Beat. SAM doesn’t say anything.

DORRIE

Sam???

Suddenly, DORRIE realizes that SAM is crying, softly.

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